Discount Dave Dwyer (August 20th 1955 — September 11th 2022)

This is Dave's website as last updated before he died in September 2022. To leave a message of condolence, please see Dave's homepage.

my pronouns are: him/him. my proteins are pork/carnitas.

Welcome to my website!

It's an online urban culture dispatch.

Check out my website, yeah? It's well fucking futile.

I am the master of my domain! Well, my subdomain at least. Consider becoming a Neocities supporter like me. I'm a self facilitating media node.

I do not like Kevin James. I think he is a wretched little man. I put him on my site to mock him.

Pour me one!

Come by Foley's some time and buy me a beamarooni!

It's Beam O'Clock somewhere!

Kevin James

My 2600 hat

Getting a lot of emails and comments about my hat.

2600 hat

Yeah, it's a 2600 hat... those guys that do the magazine and the radio shows. I've been reading the magazine on and off since the late 80s.

Live Net Radio

Listen to Off the Hook on Tuesday and Off the Wall on Wednesday at

Recent photos of my adventures through time and space (downtown Boston)

Gotta cash out

I heard Kevin James had fallen on hard times. Good. (photo taken at JJ Foley's Bar and Grille)

Enjoying a baked potato and wishing the worst day ever to my sworn enemy, Kevin James (photo taken at JJ Foley's Bar and Grille)

All smiles for opening day at Fenway Park (photo taken at JJ Foley's Bar and Grille)

"Are you shitting me?" — when I heard about Mike Myers new show, The Pentaverate. (photo taken at JJ Foley's Bar and Grille)

I love to eat at Chipotle, but seriously "What protein do I want?" — and why isn't carnitas just called pork? (photo taken outside JJ Foley's Bar and Grille)

This one is for Kevin James. (photo taken at JJ Foley's Bar and Grille)

Up to no good, probably. (photo taken at JJ Foley's Bar and Grille)

Telling a classic anecdote about telescopes. (photo taken at JJ Foley's Bar and Grille)

When I first saw the performance of the M1 MacBook Pro. (photo taken at JJ Foley's Bar and Grille)

Peace and Love to everyone except Kevin James. (photo taken at JJ Foley's Bar and Grille)

Heard some sad news (Woody hasn't installed Mac OS 9 on real hardware). (photo taken at JJ Foley's Bar and Grille)

This one is for Kevin James only. (photo taken at JJ Foley's Bar and Grille)

Watched Wayne's World 2, classic. (photo taken at JJ Foley's Bar and Grille)

This is the day I got my iPhone SE. (photo taken at JJ Foley's Bar and Grille)

Rats, rats, get em (photo taken at JJ Foley's Bar and Grille).

I'm part of the Tamily now. (photo taken at The Tam)


Kevin James

How did the leper castrate himself? -Jerking off.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

"Have you ever noticed when you’re driving that anyone who’s driving slower than you is an idiot? And anyone driving faster than you is a maniac." — (the wretched) Kevin James

Kevin James

On time

10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now we have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.

On marriage

Ever seen combat that wasn’t your ex-wife? Me neither.

I have an Amazon Kindle Fire to fight with — who needs a wife?

Revere jokes

Some jokes about our friends to the North

Why wasn't Jesus born in Revere?

Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

If you see a kid from Revere on a bike, why should you never swerve to hit him?

It might be your bike.

What do you call a Revere man in a suit?

The accused

What do you call a Revere girl in white sweatpants?

The bride

Why can't you circumcise a Revere man?

Because there is no end to those pricks.

Kevin James

Why do pigeons fly upside down over Revere?

Because there's nothing worth shitting on.

What should you do if you see a Revere man jogging?

Trip him up and give the lady's purse back to her.

How do you make a Revere man run faster?

Stick an Xbox under his arm

What's the difference between Batman and a Revere man?

Batman can go anywhere without Robin.

What do you call a Revere man in a three-bed house?

A burglar.

What's the difference between a Revere man and a coconut?

One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut.

Dad jokes

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs.

Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!

What starts with an “O” and ends with “nions” and sometimes make you cry? Opinions.

How do you steal a coat? You jacket.

I sold my vacuum cleaner; it was just gathering dust.

Kevin James

Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: Solid, liquid, and gas.

My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I'm trying to put him off. I'm convinced his life will be in ruins.

I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden but how am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?

What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!

Kevin James

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Why did the raisin go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.

I was addicted to hokey pokey...but I turned myself around.

The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand it.

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.

Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

Interesting fact of the day: In Sweden, all government-owned ships are required to have a UPC code printed on the hull. When the ships are returned to port, it helps them Scandinavian.

Did you hear that Arnold Schwarzenegger will be doing a movie about classical music? He’ll be Bach.

I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

Kevin James

What was the question most often asked during the broadcasting career of Larry King? Should I be concerned about the blood in my diarrhea?

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

A steak pun is a rare medium done well.

Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.

What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy.

Kevin James

What's the worst part about being gang raped by Crosby, Stills, and Nash? No Young.

Why don't shrimp give to charity? Because they're shellfish.

Chris Hemsworth is Australian, and Thor is from space, does that make him an Australien?

What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.

Why did Adele cross the road? To sing, "Hello from the other side!"

Son: Dad, I’m hungry. Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad.

A friend of mine doesn't pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

Kevin James

I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house… but the kids still get in.

A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!

What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.

Can February March? No, but April May.

Why is grass so dangerous? Because it's full of blades.

I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.

Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.

Kevin James

What's the worst thing about Fred Durst's herpes? His music.

What do you call a lazy kangaroo? Pouch potato.

My friend Stevie wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.

I searched for a lighter on Amazon, all I could find was 401 matches...

Niece: I have a lot of friends named Nathan.
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

How do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? You will see one later and one in a while.

I want to go on record that I support farming. As a matter of fact, you could call me protractor.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. This is also how I kasher my forks.

I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.

Friend: Ok, when does a joke become a “dad joke?”
Me, with no hesitation: When it becomes apparent.

What's a bad wizard's favorite computer program? Spell-check.

What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!

Kevin James

Why did the sexual deviant love hummus so much? The chick pees.

Why did the man name his dogs Casio and Omega? Because they were watch dogs.

What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.

Kevin James

Why did Madonna feed her baby Alpo dog food? Well, that’s just what came out of her breasts.

What’s the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament? On a live stream.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!

What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer? 100 sows and bucks.

Kevin James

Why did Metallica cut off their long hair? Their barber told them it was the only way they could get out all the matted cum.

What kind of exercises do lazy people do? Diddly squats.

My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. I packed up my stuff and right.

Why shouldn't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she'll let it go!

How many Backstreet Boys does it take to screw in a light bulb? They DON'T screw in light bulbs - they're too busy screwing their audience! Hooo!

My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. I don’t know why she’s mad at me.

Why do pumpkins sit on porches? They have no hands to knock on the door.

What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracabrador.

Kevin James

Why did Blink 182 cross the road? There were three mirrors on the other side they wanted to jerk off in front of.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the middle of the ocean? Bob.

When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

Kevin James

Why did God create Domino’s pizza? To punish mankind for his complacency in allowing the Holocaust to happen.

Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.

I don’t trust stairs. They are always up to something.

What’s the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.

We all know about Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.

Kevin James

If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?

I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

Why do dogs float in water? Because they are good buoys.

What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.

Kevin James

Why does Col. Sanders keep the 11 herbs and spices of Kentucky Fried Chicken’s original recipe a secret? Because he’s ashamed of them.

My friend gave birth in her car on the way to the hospital and her husband named the kid Carson.

A kosher deli sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, no outside food.”

The rotation of the earth really makes my day.

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

What did the chicken from hell lay? Deviled eggs.

Kevin James

What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two...

What did the firefighter call his twin sons? Jose and Hose B...

Mike Myers

Mike Myers is a huge talent. If you like the movie, "So I Married An Axe Murderer", head over to Matt and Woody's 'Axey' website.

(photo taken at JJ Foley's Bar and Grille — haha, just kidding... it was taken at Roads, which was filmed at Vesuvio)